the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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