Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize