i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
