He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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