im having a threesome with these popsicles
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
