This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
