i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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