just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
