i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
