Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize