My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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