I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
