god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
