When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize