I could make wine with my vomit
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
