Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
