I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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