I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
