All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
is it fun? or sober?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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