Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
