The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize