so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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