after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
