I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
