This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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