I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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