you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
