just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
