your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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