fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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