I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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