I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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