i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize