She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
