I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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