i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
