Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
