The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
