The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
