Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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