I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
