it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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