dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
