So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
