Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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