Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
