Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
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