why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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