Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
