Can Purell be used as lube?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
