How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
