Just took my morning after pill in the library
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
