Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
