I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Randomize
