i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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