There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I need to sanitize my soul.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
