i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
