you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
There's always time for handjobs
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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