oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
