Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
