Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize
