There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
