Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
