He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize