I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
