yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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