Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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