that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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