So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize