I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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